Possibly fictitious, Positively ridiculous, Potentially delirious

Saturday, October 29, 2005

There’s something about The Five Senses



Woke up this morning, and found myself smacked with a ‘Five Things’ meme by a very good friend. Being the dutiful dinosaur I am, here’s five random facts about me, with regards to the five senses:


1) Sight
I suffer from amblyopia, or what is more commonly known as lazy eyes: My left vision is 250 degrees while the right is 400. A friend, who has absolutely nullus knowledge in optometry, suggested that it was probably caused by me peeping through keyholes when I was a kid. Just in case you're wondering, that is totally untrue of course, heh heh. . . .

2) Hearing
According to my annual medical examinations, I have an almost superhuman level of hearing. I’m not too sure about that, but I do know that I partake in selective hearing. For example, when a teacher commented, “You are incredibly lacking in intelligence”, I hear it as “You are incredibly intelligent” instead.

3) Smell
Nothing much to say about this one, except that the smell of Pantene shampoo turns me on. . . . . eh, please ignore what I just said.

4) Taste
I absolutely cannot stand the taste of unpolished rice. My mum used to force my sis and I to take it when we were much younger because it’s supposed to have high nutritional value or something. The ordeal, I tell you, is worse than a round of caning or two. So I was amazed to find some of my friends actually enjoying that stuff. Yucks.

5) Touch
I had my butt groped during the Millennium countdown at Suntec City. A few times. I think my assailants have bad taste because if I were to grope anyone, I would choose anyone other than a purple dinosaur with spots.


I shall now subject more people to possibly public humiliation by passing this meme to Adrienne, Green Ogre, AKK, Kim and Nadnut. On another note, I’ll be busy as hell because my finals are spread over the coming two and a half weeks. I need tuition from a nice lao shi :)

Signing off, Barneysaurus

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

There’s something about The 27 Year Old Virgin



Virgin
noun
Pronunciation: vir-gin
Meaning: One who has never been laid

Virginist
noun
Pronunciation: vir-gin-nis
Meaning: One who discriminates against virgins

Source: http://barneysaurus.blogspot.com



As one of the former, I often find myself suffering at the hands of the latter. I also think I have the V word branded across my forehead because I was victimized in three separate incidents just yesterday alone.


Case Study #01: The Bus Driver
So I was rushing for class yesterday, which led to me rushing for this bus which was about to rush off. The bus driver was very kind, and waited for me… for about 5 seconds. Midway through my 100m sprint, he decided to drive off, leaving behind a very breathless and very embarrassed me. I thus conclude that the said bus driver is a virginist.

Case Study #02: The Train Driver
Exact same scenario as Case Study #01, except it took place at the train station 15 minutes later. I thus conclude that the said train driver is a virginist, and probably in cahoots with the bus driver in Case Study #01.

Case Study #03: The Cleaning Aunties
Half way through my afternoon lesson, I felt a desperate urge to shi…. cleanse my bowels. So I went to the nearby toilet, and voila! It’s being occupied by a cleaning aunty. So I climbed a level up for the next loo, and was greeted by the sight of another cleaning aunty. I thus conclude that the said cleaning aunties are virginists.


The greatest insult, however, came over MSN from my 12 year old nephew who happens to be a virgin (I hope) and a virginist.


Nephew: You got watch the virgin show?

Me: Dun have. Too busy with school lah.

Nephew: No life sia. Anyway are you a virgin?

Me: (nearly chokes over my HL chocolate flavored milk)

Me: Of course I am lah! Your uncle very innocent one!

Nephew: Not surprised lor, you very pathetic one. Hahahahhahahahahhahaa!


I learnt three things from my MSN conversation:

1) Kids who completed PSLE have too much time on their hands.

2) Kids from my generation are much more innocent.

3) I am so going to choke-slam my nephew come CNY.


Signing off, Barneysaurus

P.S. To B Cube: I promised not to write anything about last night, so I didn't! Do I get a reward or something :)?

Sunday, October 16, 2005

There’s something about The Filler Entry



Alright people, I’m sorry for the lack of updates. I’m buried neck-deep with various assignments, while my finals are coming in less than a month’s time. After several late nights of mugging, my pimples are sprouting out horribly, in the similar fashion like how pimples tend to sprout out horribly after several late nights of mugging.

In spite of all these, I feel like the luckiest person in the world because of, eh, some reasons, heh heh. . . .

Alright, I shall attempt to lengthen this really short entry by leaving you with this really lame joke that just begs to be repeated:


Friend: . . . . Anyway, I gotta go. Will be eating soon.

Me: Alright, enjoy the kuehs then.

Friend: . . . . What’s with the kueh?

Me: Eh, you eating soon kueh right? Muahahahah. . . .


Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Pic courtesy of Makansutra.com


Friend: . . . . (logs off MSN)


I feel sorry for my friends sometimes.

Signing off, Barneysaurus

Monday, October 10, 2005

There's something about Why There Is Hope For The Human Race




I thought there is no hope for the human race.

But I was wrong.

All it took was her little ways,
Her signature faraway gaze,
Her smile that so amaze,
Left me breathless in daze.

The feel of her gentle hands make me believe,
That there is hope for the human race.

There’s something about Why There Is No Hope For The Human Race



This post is obviously a homage to Cowboy Caleb.


. . . .


The following incidents have made me realize that there really is no hope for the human race.


1) Friendster is evil
While everyone is fussing over the new ‘Who-Viewed-Me’ function, I am much more disturbed by the ‘Popular Searches In My Network’ function. It seems that the top searches my network contacts indulge in include stuff like 林志玲走光 and 更衣室偷拍. Adrienne, if you are reading this, please find something better to do with your free time.

2) Blog Spammers
I’ve resisted the idea of enforcing word verification, because I know it is a pain in the ass troublesome to type in weird letter combinations before you get to key in your valued comments. I changed my mind last evening, when I received this comment from a spammer who has a link to, eh, procreation toys. Since this is a family-oriented site, I took down the link immediately, and set up the verification thingy. I am a socially responsible dinosaur.

3) Virginists
Society is not perfect, so we have sexists, racists, and ageists lurking around. It was only a matter of time before virginists came along. I was reading this blog entry (which I’ve unfortunately lost the link too) sometime last week about how pathetic it is to still be a virgin when you hit 30. Ok ok, it is rather pathetic, but some people can’t help it ok? Take me for example. I can’t find a female dino to mate with me because they are all extinct. On the bright side, I’ll probably get to dino-heaven on the account of my chastity, and sprout wings or something.

4) They are coming out with Teletubbies: The Musical


Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Big hug!!!!

Don’t worry, I’m just kidding. Haha.


In conclusion, there is no hope for the human race. By virtue of that, dinos will take over someday, so it would be prudent if you invest in some Barney VCDs today :)

Signing off, Barneysaurus

Friday, October 07, 2005

There’s something about The Secret to World Peace



I’ve been so busy the past few days, I don’t have enough time to bathe.

Nay, I’m just kidding. Serious!

Anyway, I’m still very busy, but I just have to do this post because I have discovered the secret to world peace. . . for a limited time only.

The Secret to World Peace

If everyone will just click on the link and follow the instructions, the world will be at peace :)

Signing off, Barneysaurus

Monday, October 03, 2005

There’s something about My Belated Children’s Day Post



Unlike most others, my recollections about Children’s Day are not exactly pleasant.

The events on Saturday did nothing to correct that perception. I may have the cutest niece ever, but my nephews are all mighty-morphing, power-puffing monsters in the making. Indeed, I nearly had a fit when they performed acrobatics and a mini version of Wrestlemania on my bed. In view of their assorted atrocities, they didn’t get any Yan Yan, but a box of yucky chocolates left over from New Year’s that was close to their sell-by date. Yes, I am a very nasty dinosaur. Heh heh. . . .

I blame my mean streak on my horrible childhood. For the record, I didn’t receive any Children’s Day gifts from my teachers because of the following reasons:


1) Not only was I not cute, I was plain fugly. My nephews had a good laugh when they went through my childhood photos on Saturday.

2) My studies sucked. I still have my primary school record book that is full of red marks, and proudly proclaims ‘Last In Class’.

3) I shitted in my pants. During pre-primary. Because I didn’t know enough English to ask ‘May I go to the toilet’ to my Indian teacher, and because I couldn’t hold it in till recess. It stank quite badly, and I wasn’t exactly popular with my classmates thereafter. I felt really sorry for the janitor, because he had to clean up after me twice.

4) I once got into a fight with a prefect twice my size. Literally. He was approximately 60kg to my approximate 30kg. He also knew Judo, and I almost had to have dental surgery to salvage my shaky front teeth.

5) I stole milk from a classmate. If you’re as old as me, you’ll probably remember how your teachers used to bug you to order those pasteurized milk that used to come in that weird pyramid shape. I couldn’t keep up the milk subscription because I was dirt-poor, and I stole because I was hungry and greedy for artificially sweetened chocolate milk. My life of crime came to an abrupt end one morning recess when I was caught red-handed, and I was subsequently subjected to corporal punishment meted out by mummy dearest. I always have a laugh when I recall this, but it didn’t really seem that funny back then.

6) I got caned in front of the school assembly for flashing myself to my female classmates. Nay, I’m just bullshitting for this one. The caned flasher was a classmate named Philip. Don’t ask me why I still remember his name because I have no idea why either.


There was also this particular incident that I recall rather vividly. You know how kids love to bring a cake to school for celebration during birthdays, so that they can hao lian a bit and maybe get a present or two? I was no exception. I can’t recall if it was during primary one or two, but I wanted desperately to bring a birthday cake of my own to school too.

Unfortunately, my family was really, really dirt poor. I spent a long time pondering how to broach the subject to my mum before finally deciding on this one:


Me: Can I have a birthday cake to bring to school tomorrow please?

Mum: (Thought about it for a while) Ok.


When I woke up the next morning, I had a pandan cake ready for school.

Although my mum bought an extra large one, it wasn’t really enough for everybody. But I was happy beyond words nonetheless. My teachers also got me this color pencil set as a present, and that was when I cried really badly in class.

That could have been the happiest day in my primary school life, until I heard one classmate commenting that I didn’t deserve the color pencils because I only brought a $1 pandan cake from the wet market.

I felt so ashamed.

And I felt damn pissed too. So I stole his chocolate milk for weeks. He must have been as vindictive as me because he almost broke my two front teeth a few years later. On hindsight, it was probably a good thing we were never friends, because I might just have joined him in flashing and get caned together.

I love my childhood recollections.

Signing off, Barneysaurus

Saturday, October 01, 2005

There’s something about My Secret Love



Updated!

I knew it the moment when I laid my eyes on her last night, as she laid lost in dreams, an immaculate angel in immaculate white.

That I am in love.

I awoke in fear that my vision was but a dream, until I saw her coming out from the shower, smiling shyly as she dries her hair.

I thus conclude, that I have the cutest three-year old niece in the whole wide world :)

. . . .

Don’t worry folks, even though I hug and prance around with kids a fraction of my age on TV, I’m 100% free of pedophilic tendencies. Serious. And I am really glad they chose me over that Jackson Michael guy during the auditions, heh heh. . . .

The truth is, I don’t have much affinity with kids. During my stint as a waiter, I had to suppress the urge to strangle those eight-year old monsters when they spill ketchup on the table for fun. I also took sadistic pleasure when I saw the disappointed look on their pesky faces when I tell them the dessert of the day is not ice cream, but peaches. To be more specific, yucky canned peaches. Heh heh. . . .

But those kids under five, I can’t resist them. They just have to look at me with their little puppy eyes and I’m tempted to book the tickets to Disneyland already. That was why I felt an incredible urge to get my niece something because not only did she smiled at me with her little puppy eyes, it was Children’s Day too.

But since I am but a poor struggling student, I can only afford Yan Yan, strawberry flavor. Thankfully, my niece is not the materialistic sort, and she was damn happy with the gift. I was damn happy too simply because she loves it, and was over the moon when the dear offered me some of her Yan Yan. Sigh. . . .

I wonder when will I have kids of my own. Given my dismay romantic history, that seems like such a faraway possibility.

Oh well. Happy Children’s Day, everyone. You’re never too old to celebrate.

Signing off, Barneysaurus

Update (1 October 2005, 8:42pm): My niece gave me a kiss when she was leaving. I think she likes me too. Which confirms my suspicions that all kids like Barney :)

Or maybe she really likes the Yan Yan.

 
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